by Richard Leader

School violence is on the hot list once again this year, at least according to Cosmo, along with grey sweaters and violet eyeliner. Across the nation, kids are capping one another between classes and then showing up late without hall passes. The media, always up on current events, suggests to us that we ought to be outraged at this kind of behavior - and thank goodness - because where would our morals be if it weren't for the media?

Parents are quite naturally upset by all of this killing; imagine the tragedy of losing your tax write-off after having to change all those diapers. So many of them are demanding change from the government - especially those living in affluent suburban communities who have been hardest hit by the pains of modern society. Installing metal detectors in schools has become problematic as all of the disaffected white kids with all of their metal piercings, studs, chains, and chokers can't come within a half-mile of one without setting it off. Elected officials have vowed that changes will take place and have offered us numerous slogans to say over and over again until the next election, where of course we will be given a whole new set of slogans. But all of this just distracts people from the truth - that violence in schools is not a new phenomenon.

We all know that kids have been getting the shit pounded out of them during homeroom since the dawn of time. So then why now the uproar over a couple of homicides? It appears as if some sort of bizarre role reversal has taken place. No longer content to remain crammed inside of their lockers, the geeks are fighting back and using whatever means necessary. Nothing scares mainstream society more than a Revenge of the Nerds scenario. Well, besides a revenge of the nerds scenario with uzis. As if the thought of all of those socially challenged, trench coat wearing pip-squeaks going on to high-paying careers isn't bad enough, can you imagine having to respect someone like that before they become your boss! The government realizes this and is doing its best to combat this turn of events without alarming the general public. Think about it - even as we pass laws in the schools that criminalize peer sexual harassment and crack down on homophobia - the students who routinely brutalize the smallest kid in class are rewarded for it by receiving a few days off from school to hang out at the mall (AKA out of school suspension.)

Kids are going to fight, as long as one is bigger than the next - especially if that next one has a more expensive car, a fancier jacket, better grades, or a girlfriend with a reputation for being easy. Telling kids to "just say no" and offering them no further information or advice is utterly unrealistic. Have we learned nothing from our battle against the religious fascists in our efforts to promote sexual education? Kids are going to fight. All of the statistics and billion-dollar government reports back it up. It is a fact and we have to treat it like one.

Abstinence is not the answer, not from sex, and certainly not from violence. While perhaps the solution in a perfect world, it just isn't viable considering the behavior of young people in our society. What these kids need is protection.

They need alternative and proven methods that they can use to lower their risk of contracting a blunt-instrument head trauma - a condition for which there is no known cure and is often fatal. We have to stop with all of this moralization and give our children the specific and detailed information that they need to protect themselves.

Having a dress code in schools is part of the answer. Many have complained about the display of gang colors as well as the wearing of T-shirts depicting racially offensive messages or symbolism. We do not have the right to force our morality upon them. They are the leaders of tomorrow and in a nation of apathetic followers, we should applaud them for their determination and passion - it is far better to have a few racist hate mongers than to have kids with low self-esteem. We should be appalled to live in a nation where the suicide rate far outstrips the murder rate! We want our children to be go-getters! Enough with all of these introverts; remember, hate is just love upside down. We only wish for them to be able to freely engage in these behaviors in a safe and responsible fashion. That is exactly why we offer Kevlar vests. Effectively bulletproof from small caliber firearms at close range and constructed with a space age rip-stop fabric, they should be made available to all students. If used in conjunction with a padded crash helmet and worn properly during each encounter, it effectively and reliably stops the transmission of blood and other body fluids from entering the atmosphere where they can come into contact with others, possibly damaging their khakis from The Gap. Why should the only ones who are afforded the protection of bulletproof vests be criminals as they are led out of the courtroom?

We must give students a safe outlet to express their violent urges. Athletic programs are no longer working to curb such tendencies as they have in the past. An increasing number of students have become alienated from these kinds of after school activities, simply because most of the violence is actually perpetrated by over stressed and irate parents who take it upon themselves to jump referees, coaches, as well as other parents - the kids just can't compete. If fights between students are inevitable, then it is in the best interest of all of us to make sure that they can take place in a supervised environment. Legislation is very important, as these behaviors are merely the symptoms of a larger problem in society, not the cause; punishing these children for killing one another can serve no purpose but to feed the self-righteous egos of a hysterical right-wing. The stigma has to end - rather than say "homicide" it is more Politically Correct to refer to it as "excessive horseplay." We have to offer these students our caring, respect, and support. Education is the answer. Our kids have received sex education for decades, it's about time we taught them how to bust heads instead of how to give it.

Karate, judo, tae kwon do - in this school only the cut-man would have to wear latex. Advanced students would be trained in the art of the nunchakus, the broken Coke bottle, and a special summer school seminar on the Glock 9mm. After a hard day of intense learning, the school bell would ring and the kids would file out into the hallways in anticipation of the extracurricular activities. The intercom crackles and sputters, "This is your Principal speaking: GET READY TO RUMBLE!" Quickly, the students would make their way to the locker-room, the traditional staging ground for fights, and pose for their "before" picture in the yearbook. Once showered and changed, all competitors would be weighed and measured for reach, to prevent the kind of unfair matchups that occur in more traditional kinds of schoolyard brawls. After that they would be able to engage in healthy threats and banter with future opponents. If it starts to get out of hand, security would intervene and more often than not, disputes would be settled quickly under the sage advice of their coaches, "No fighting in the locker rooms, save it for the ring - that's where the money is!" If this fails, a no-holds-barred steel cage match may be implemented.

What about the girls you say? Title IX is a ruling that mandates gender equality among educational institutions. Girls would not be excluded from these activities - they would be highly encouraged to join in. If you let her play, not only will she have higher self-esteem and will be less likely to get pregnant, she'll be able to kick the guy's ass who tries it in the first place.

As educational funding drops and schools are forced to turn to outside resources such as retail cafeterias and promotional advertisements for money, high school deathmatches would be an incredible economic boon for communities. Not only do you have a guaranteed audience of parents eager to pay top dollar to watch their ungrateful little brat finally get put in his or her place with a butt-whooping of a lifetime, it would be the ultimate experience in Off-Track Betting. Another plus for parents, the strict regulation that gambling services require would include mandatory drug testing. What's a few broken bones to know for sure that Johnny is staying of the crank? Now that smoking is prohibited at Bingo halls, this new outlet is a godsend - you can gamble and puff away all you like - not even the Feds have the power to stop people from smoking in the restrooms of public schools.

Though some fights would be televised on premium channels, the sheer number of high schools across the nation would ensure plenty of ringside seats. Daytime talk shows would no longer be able to attract mass audiences and would be forced to fold. What better a way to end the media's stranglehold monopoly on violence? It's all about bringing it back to the people

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in the preceding article are solely those of the author and not necessarily those of Generation. We think that killing is bad, people who kill are bad, and that all great art is subjective. And the guy pictured above is, I repeat, NOT the author!