Richard Leader: UB, UMass, Amherst College

All The News That is Fit To Print at the University at Amherst
Richard P. Leader reporting

Three Universities of Amherst; One Love

As students of the State University of New York at Amherst, we often fall into the trap of thinking we are special, and forget about our brothers and sisters who go to the several other fine Amherst universities. Located in the state of Massachusetts, the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and Amherst College both share with us the proud history of the Amherst name. From what I have been told, Lord Jeffery Amherst, our namesake, was a swell guy--if you can overlook that little incident where he intentionally gave smallpox infected blankets to Native Americans during the French and Indian war.

UMass

UMass is similar to our own SUNY Amherst in that they are both the flagship of their respective State University systems. But unlike our school, which runs Bluebird Busses into the city of Buffalo for no apparent reason, students at UMass can travel to the four other colleges in the consortium to take classes (at no extra cost) at Amherst, Hampshire, Mount Holyoke, and Smith. Nearly 16,000 undergrads and 6,000 grad students attend UMass where they are educated in the secret art of Ninjitsu, as well as about 80-90 other equally useful majors. Unlike our school, which only closed down for three and a half minutes during the great "blizzard of '77," UMass actually has snow days.

Just one of many phallic objects at
UMass; but on the other hand, they
have a parking garage

Amherst College

Amherst is a small private Liberal Arts school with a population of approximately 1,668 students. It is really really old, can best be described as "woodsy," and is really proud of the fact that some poet guy named Robert Frost taught there back in the day. Amherst is also one of the few colleges to offer undergraduate degrees in neuroscience; so, budding Dr. Frankensteins, take note. Fraternities and sororities were abolished in the mid-eighties but students were too busy frolicking in the woodlands to take notice. Not to be accused of "living in the past," Amherst College would still like to remind you that the very first televised production of a William Shakespeare play, "Julius Caesar," took place at their school. Just nod your head and pretend you care.

The "Octagon," home of Amherst U's
Black Student Union and
The Wizard of Oz

At a Glance

	SUNY Amherst	UMass	Amherst College

Famous Alumni	Miramax Film's co-chairman, Harvey Weinstein, who didn't actually graduate because he dropped out.	A couple of guys who run General Motors and General Electric, but who cares--they have Richard Gere and Bill Cosby!	Francisco Flores, President of El Salvador, but more importantly, Dr. Drew Pinski on MTV's "Loveline." See, he is a real doctor!


Football	The Bulls are in the most competitive segment of the NCAA, Division IA, and are ranked dead last, exhibiting a 0-11 record last year.	The Minutemen are a step down, Division IAA, but are ranked at the top of their division--in their last meeting with SUNY Amherst, they demolished the Bulls 51 to 27.	The Jeff's are only a Division III team, so a direct comparison is unfair. Although, logically, they couldn't do any worse than 0-11.


Local Area	Named the "Safest City in America" by the FBI; unless you happen to perform abortions.	Residents feel much safer now that a single surveillance camera was added at the college, and dorm rooms have been officially declared, "bear-proof."	Very proud of their heritage--which includes ice age glaciers, pyroclastic flow, lots and lots of trees, and the wholesale eviction of indigenous peoples.


School Spirit	Playboy Magazine named Main Street bar, Third Base, as one of the best college bars in the nation, apparently never having visited it. No, really.	The New York Times calls Amherst, Massachusetts one of the nation's "Ten Best College Towns" and one UMass expert declares, "Big, red, sweet, juicy apples rule this year."	Well, it's sort of boring unless you're really into deer and antelope. Unless of course, you can find some UMass kid and shout, "Hey! How do you like them apples?"