All The News That is Fit To Print at the University at Amherst
Richard P. Leader reporting

To Combat SUNY Reforms, UA Joins Forces with USA: UP ALL NIGHT!

SUNY's ongoing attempt to meddle in the affairs of the University at Amherst (UA), without giving the institution any more money, took a turn for the worse in the past week. When presented with a "Memorandum of Understanding" (MOU) and a black rose from SUNY Senior Associate Provost and Mafioso in training, Steven Poskanzer, UA officials were at a brief loss for words. The MOU detailed SUNY's plans for a much smaller UA with higher percentage of students fitting the description of "smarty pants." However, the only incentive for the downsizing of UA that SUNY could devise was the loss of millions and millions of dollars in revenue, and a free pair of SUNY commemorative pins.

Throwing his pen down, and refusing to sign the memorandum in a blatant act of disobedience that would have caused a lesser senior official to be sent to bed without dinner, UA President William Gryner politely declined and started drawing up plans for a counter offer, which was promptly and creatively dubbed, "Plan B."

While the UA administration conceded that the "smarty pants thing" was "probably a good idea," they also pushed for UA to actually increase the population of undergraduate students within the next few years--until another source of revenue is consolidated or the UA football pool finally pans out.

In a drastic move to up freshman enrollment at UA, the administration narrowly voted to increase television advertising at the further expense of library funding. After a furious game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" it was decided that "literally hundreds of dollars" would be appropriated to produce these new commercials for cable television channels, with the heaviest spending to go to the USA and MTV networks.

Though the acquisition of uber-intelligent undergraduate students is a no nonsense proposition, it is not without cost--as the majority of those students are from out of state or are international students who require a large expenditure in scholarships to get them here in the first place. That is where the USA networks "UP ALL NIGHT" comes in, says a prominent UA official who wished to remain anonymous--advertising there will surely get you students whom are ineligible for any scholarship whatsoever.

"There's a definite paradigm shift going on at UA," he said, "with the smart getting smarter and the dumb getting dumber. Think about it--the revenue created by an under-achiever that takes five, six, or even seven years to graduate is tremendous. Hell, it's even greater if they stay on campus and eat our food. Just one of these kids can support scholarships for a geek or a jock we shipped in from God-knows-where."

"That's why USA's 'UP ALL NIGHT' is so important. There's something special about someone who would willingly submit to hour after hour of B movies," he continued. "Not just anyone can waste that amount of time masturbating to soft-core porn. And that's the kind of people we're going to need if we want to swing the 'smarty pants' thing."

"You know, this plan has been in the works for quite some time--that's why we opened our UA satellite admissions office in Manhattan. It isn't even for New York students! The whole plan is to capture some of those kids from Jersey--not only are they even dumber--they have to pay 'out of state' tuition as well!"

Reached for comment, President Gryner said, "There's more at stake than just money. It's about pride. It's about spirit. These commercials will finally let UA student's feel good about themselves. They can be watching "UP ALL NIGHT" and, all of a sudden, they see a majestic picture of Baird Point in all its glory. Is that great or what? You don't see commercials for schools like Princeton or Harvard on TV, do you? No you don't. UA has finally joined the ranks of the DeVry Institute and Bryant and Stratton. This is a very good thing."