All The News That is Fit To Print at the University at Amherst
Richard P. Leader reporting

I Agree With Judah

AMHERST, NY (CC)-- Copy-machines at the University at Amherst (UA) have been running nonstop as students are desperately competing to post the most offensive flyers they can on campus bulletin boards.

Until recently, UA's bulletin boards have been one of the last bastions of capitalism on campus--second only to those wacky guys in Capen Hall who came up with the "checkstop." For as long as anyone can remember, or perhaps a bit longer than that, considering the amount of student alcoholism, advertisements and flyers have been magically appearing in the classrooms and hallways of UA. Though suspicion initially fell upon the traditional black sheep of the UA community--leprechauns--it soon became evident that it was corporate America and not the wee folk who were to blame.

Though a few intrepid students took to tearing down the illegally posted documents, they soon realized the futility of their battle against the paid minions of BMG Music Service, Spring Break tour services, and the United States Army. Unable to compete with corporations willing to send in troops to post fliers at 4am (after the janitors had torn down the previous days), students have turned to a classic method of reclaiming public space--racism and bigotry.

The most offensive display of student creative ability was a flier proclaiming that in "The Year 2000: The Best Rapper is White. The Best Golfer is Black. Jews are Acting like Nazis." The lack of attention to the rules of capitalization, quite simply, is horrendous, and we must urge the English department to act upon this shameful atrocity immediately and introduce a "Flyer-Making 101" class.

This was perhaps not the only anti-Semitic statement to appear on university walls this week. Another student group blanketed the halls on a daily basis with lime-green flyers that asked in bold type, "Do you agree with Judah?" The flyer also advertised a web site, www.iagreewithjudah.org, which contained both a cryptic message concerning a November 7th gathering in the Student Union, as well as a cleverly hidden picture of the mysterious being known as "Judah."

Generation promptly set its experts to work in cracking the identity of "Judah" and have come up with a composite sketch which looks remarkably like a bad photograph. If you see this person, perhaps an inter-dimensional being of immense power and a harbinger of the end of the world--we urge you to keep your distance at all times, back away slowly, and to keep your hands inside of the railings until the ride comes to a complete stop.

While the true identity of "Judah" remains a guarded secret known only to a select few of an ancient cabal, the being could not have chosen to come at a better time. Technically speaking, as Nostradamus would put it, the time could not have been more "nigh." Or, as they say in ancient Greek, "en tois megistois kairois." Most students are unaware of the fact that the "Anti-Judah" has been residing at UA for nearly five years, awaiting the time of the true millennium--which as annoying geeks have repeatedly pointed out to us, is not the year 2000 but 2001.

Though we were unable to reach the "Anti-Judah" for comment, the Dark One's publicist was able to release a statement concerning the imminent "cessation of all life on Earth and the ascendancy of the Olsen Twins."

"A.J." said the Rep, "as the emmisary of terror likes to go by, you know, to retain 'street credibility'--is all about the end of the world. AJ's just biding time until the army of one billion Chinese expatriots march on the Euphrates river, preparing the way for the last episode of The Simpsons. Those guys should really get out while they're ahead."