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All The
News That is Fit To Print at the University at Amherst Hillary Clinton in favor of kids, supports new 54 mph speed limit; UA football Hillary Clinton came to the University at Amherst, once again, in support of her ongoing New York State Senate bid against Republican opponent, Rick Lazio. Generation caught up with her in the basement of Baldy where she was able to share a few words with us while ducking away from her Secret Service escort. I first saw her crouched in the shadows of a stairwell, and when the coast was clear, we dashed into the Early Childhood Research Center where she proceeded to kiss some serious babies. "Women and children," she said, "It's all about women and children. I don't care what anyone else says, it's women and children first. Everybody always whines, 'What about the men? Whaaah! Whaaah!' Well who cares? Not me! Isn't that what the OTHER senator is for, anyway?"
Asked which issue will most fuel her inevitable victory over Lazio, she responded "I'm one-hundred and ten percent sure that it will be the new 54 mph state speed limit. I can't imagine anyone disagreeing with it. It's only one measly mile per hour after all. People can't be in that big of a rush in New York! Can they? Slow down, I say! I mean, if only one life is saved, it would be so completely worth it. You know, it takes a village and all that." "Affirmative-Action: mend it, don't end it! All these whiney-white people going on and on about it!" she continued, "You don't see me or Bill complaining about it, do you? We never had any problems getting a job after we graduated from Yale. Why are all these people complaining? Big babies, I tell you. I mean, Chelsea got into Stanford like no problem--and I swear, the fact that Daddy was President at the time didn't have anything to do with it. All these white people complaining about Affirmative Action just don't realize how privileged they are!" "Speaking of Chelsea, she's doing great! She was seriously considering going to UA for a while, but Stanford just came out on top. You see, you have to consider all the factors. I mean, a superior education can be had just about anywhere, but Stanford has a top-notch football team. You need to have your priorities in the right place. Stanford's football team can kick some serious ass, and man, their basketball team ain't too shabby either! Those white boys sure have game! Chelsea couldn't be happier there. Maybe she'll hook up with a future president someday, too, and actually make something of herself!"
While it took decades for his rare condition to be diagnosed by scientists who have named the rare chromosomal combination "PC," after Evans, one need only to look to his parents who have always known that their son was special. "When he was a baby," his mother told us, "you could just tell he was different! He had this-what can only be described as a 'glow'--about him. And I tell you, changing his diapers was like a dream! You always expect it to stink. Always. Because it is poop, after all, but every time I opened his soiled diapers it was like a surprise--Charmin' fresh! Even his turds were cute!" David Allen, an ex-roommate of Evans, had this
to add, "For a dirty-hippie and all, I mean, he don't stink that
bad. He washes his hair and stuff every so often too. But he was a
good guy to live with. He was always so busy saving the world and
everything that I had the pad pretty much to myself most of the time--it
was pretty convenient when you think about it. Hell, even after he
was done using the john, you could walk right in. Walk right in! No
waiting ten or fifteen minutes for that smell to dissipate--you'd
hardly know that kid was there!" |
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